The Beast Within
by xonceinadream
Summary: After a particularly bad night as Moony and Padfoot in which Moony did the unthinkable, Sirius and Remus need to figure out their relationship again. It only gets worse when Sirius finds out that the act left him pregnant. [Dark Fic with Dark Things]
1. Chapter 1

**Please note that this is a very dark fic and contains very dark things.**

* * *

Remus wakes up late. It's the day after the full moon and thank goodness, a Sunday so he has no reason to wake up at all. Madam Pomfrey is fussing around a student with the flu and Remus groans softly, pulling the pillow over his head as he rolls onto his stomach. He is sore, so sore. Last night had been the worst full moon since last summer. Normally he can keep his mind around his friends but he couldn't last night. He had attacked them. He remembers attacking them but he doesn't remember anything else. He doesn't want to remember. He wonders if they'll still even speak to him.

"I know you're awake, Lupin," Madam Pomfrey says and he opens his eyes reluctantly. He looks away from her as he sees the touch of pity in her eyes. He hates pity. It sparks different reactions in him at different times but this morning he feels tears sting his eyes and he can't handle that. "Your potion and breakfast are next to your bed. As soon as you're feeling well enough, you can go."

Remus is thankful that she can see he doesn't want to be bothered. But then, she's been around him so much the past few years that he thinks she knows him well. "Thank you," he mumbles. He feels bad for a moment because Madam Pomfrey does a lot for him. He buries his face farther into the pillow though. He feels even worse for himself. He's 15 years old and all he wants to do is cry.

He tries for a few hours to get back to sleep but finally he has to admit to himself that it's pointless. Normally at this hour he's been awake for hours and his body won't shut down again. With a sigh, he sits up and drinks the potion, holding his nose and trying not to gag. No matter how often he drinks it, it still tastes just as gross. The breakfast is cold by now but he doesn't mind. He chews slowly. He stands up, changes into his clothes and sighs as he goes into say good-bye to Madam Pomfrey and thank her again. He doesn't want to go to the Gryffindor common room. He doesn't want to run into his friends. He can't see the anger, betrayal and hurt in their eyes.

After a few minutes of thought, he makes his way to the library. He can't recall any big assignments upcoming and so he doesn't think he'll find any of his friends in there. He waves at the librarian, smiling slightly. The wave makes his arm sore and he grimaces. Not letting himself sigh again, he grabs a random book off of a random shelf, glancing at the title to make sure he's never read it and settles himself into a corner to read. He loves this corner. In his first year at Hogwarts, before he had really made friends with James, Sirius and Peter, he had always come to read in this corner.

The words sweep him away and he reads for a while, shifting occasionally when he gets uncomfortable. He knows that the librarian won't bother him. She has a bit of a soft spot for him. He knows that all of the teachers know about him, know about the fact that he turns into a monster during the full moon. He hates it. All he wants in this second as he stares at the window, feeling the tears again in his eyes, is to be a normal student. He would give nearly anything.

Remus jumps, looking up as a shadow crosses the page and he quickly averts his eyes when he sees his friends (former friends?) standing above him. Sirius nudges Remus' knee with his foot and Remus slowly looks back up. He bites his lip at Sirius' look of concern. "Hey," Sirius says, one eyebrow raised.

"We went to the hospital wing to check on you but Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let us in. She said that you were still sleeping," James says with a look at Sirius as Sirius doesn't say anything else. "Are you sick? I've never known you to sleep in."

"I'm… okay. Just…" Remus shrugs, looking around, his voice lowering a bit more than his mumble. He clears his throat, trying to make sure they can hear. They don't appear to hate him although he knows that looks can be deceiving. "sore from last night. I barely remember it. Just- I just know that I was out of control. I'm… sorry. What did I do?"

They all look at him, each of them with a different emotion in his eyes and Remus feels his heart sink. It's bad. It must be bad. He opens his mouth, not sure what's going to come out but Sirius holds his hand out. "Let's walk and talk." Remus looks at his hand tentatively, taking a deep breath before he takes it and stands up.

Remus expects James and Peter to come with them but they tell Sirius and Remus that they'll see them at lunch and take off in the opposite direction. Sirius slides his fingers through Remus', something that sends a delightful shiver down Remus' spine and walks with him towards the lake. Remus is starting to get worried. He doesn't know what Sirius is going to say. It's not often that Sirius stays this quiet this long. Had he hurt him horribly last night? What happened? He's just about to open his mouth to say something when Sirius plops down in the grass, patting the spot next to him. Remus sits.

"So you really don't remember anything from last night?" Sirius asks and Remus feel like his heart is in his throat. Sirius seems to read the panic on Remus' face because he shakes his head. "Calm down. Seriously, calm down. It's fine. Do I look like I hate you?"

Taking a deep breath, Remus tries to stop shaking. Sirius' words run through his mind and he tries to think about what Sirius said. He doesn't hate him. That's a good thing right? "What did I do that would make you hate me?" Remus barely manages to whisper.

Sirius takes a while to answer. He looks out at the water and every second longer he takes, Remus gets more worried. He's fidgeting, trying to read the answer on Sirius' face. It's not coming and so he sits back. He closes his eyes, wondering if there's any way possible that the earth could swallow him whole. "We had sex last night," Sirius finally says and the words sound forced.

Remus' first thought is that it isn't that bad. Then the reality sets in and he looks over at Sirius. Even Sirius' smile looks forced and Remus takes a deep breath then another. "We had… sex? You mean, as a… animals?"

"The sex wasn't kinky or anything but yeah," Sirius says and the fact that he's trying to make a joke of it makes Remus want to throw up. This can't be happening. It can't. "I mean… Well, it kind of was. James and Peter had to leave."

"Tell me what happened." Remus' voice doesn't shake at all and Sirius looks over. There is no emotion on Remus' face as Remus pushes his nails into his palm. He wants Sirius to tell him and he knows that if Sirius sees even a flicker of emotion that he won't.

"Well it started out like any other night except you were… different. You were howling and scratching at yourself. We tried to get you to stop but you wouldn't. Then it was like you smelled…" Sirius swallows hard and suddenly it doesn't matter what emotions cross Remus' face. The story sounds different to Remus. "me. You smelled me and you came over. I didn't realize what you were doing at first. You… were rough. We tried to make you stop but it was pointless. Finally, I made James and Peter leave. You bit the back of my neck to hold me in place. Your teeth were so sharp and…" At Remus' sniffle, Sirius remembers where he is and who he's telling the story to.

"So I… I raped- I… I raped…" Remus can't finish the thought, can barely stand thinking about it. He's sure his heart is going to pound out of his chest. He can hear it and he wonder if Sirius can too.

"Shit, Remus, don't blame yourself for this, okay?" Sirius says, his voice soft and it makes Remus feel even worse. Sirius reaches out to take Remus' hands but Remus pulls away, shaking his head. "It's not your fault. You didn't have any control over this."

"This is my fault," Remus argues and here come those blasted tears again. Remus knew that he shouldn't have moved from bed. His breaths are coming faster, shakier and he feels his entire world falling apart. "Everything is my fault. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have let you guys become Animagi. I should've known better! I'm dangerous, Sirius. I can't believe that I did this. I-I just…"

He breaks down then and Sirius immediately reaches out for him. "Remus, no, listen to me-"

Remus doesn't stay around to listen. He nearly slips on the wet grass but he manages to stay upright, tears blurring his vision. He runs up the stairs. There's nowhere to go but back to his bed. He sees James and Peter stand up when he reaches the common room but he ignores them. He shakes his head, trying to make the picture of himself raping Sirius go away but he can't. He pulls the curtains around him and casts a quick spell to lock them in place. It's not allowed because of emergencies but in that instant he doesn't care. Expulsion from Hogwarts seems like a blessing right now. A few more spells and he can hear nothing from outside the curtains and nobody can hear anything from him.

He's a monster, a beast. He never should've come to Hogwarts. He shouldn't be allowed to be near people that he could hurt. His pillow is wet from tears as he cries and after what seems like hours, he finally falls asleep. His dreams are restless all containing a wolf and a dog and he knows that he cries out many times. He's thankful that they can't hear him.

The next morning, Remus' head hurts. He doesn't want to get up but his stomach is growling and he realizes that he hadn't eaten at all since yesterday's mid-afternoon breakfast. He doesn't want to face Sirius, knowing what he did to him. And he doesn't want to face James or Peter, who know what he did. The worst part is that they don't blame him at all. He doesn't understand that. He's a monster. He should be locked in a cage, not learning magic with everybody else.

He checks his watch and groans as he sees how early it is. He knows he'll be exhausted by evening but he's happy at least that the rest of the boys in his year won't be awake yet. He pulls back his curtains slowly, taking extra care as he grabs his clothes to take a shower. He's still a little sore from the full moon but it's nothing he hasn't dealt with before. He wonders if Sirius is in pain and then tries to push the thought from his mind. He's hurting enough already.

After a quick shower, he heads downstairs. He's one of only a few students eating breakfast this early and he props a book up against the pitcher, feeling almost like a normal student. Every few moments he thinks about Sirius and whatever he's taking a bite of gets caught in his throat. He refuses to cry after how long he had spent crying last night and instead concentrates on the words that he's reading. As the hall starts filling up, Remus puts his book back into his bag and heads towards their first class. He knows that this is where he won't be able to avoid his friends any longer. All of them are in all the same classes.

Remus takes deep breaths as he waits, sitting against the wall and trying to concentrate on reading. It's harder now, knowing that he'll be seeing them any moment. He had avoided looking at them earlier, the guilt too much. Now he blinks rapidly as tears threaten to fall. He hates himself.

When class is about ready to begin, he hears their voices and he doesn't let himself look up. He isn't surprised when James and Sirius sit down on either side of him, Peter on James' other side. "You were up early," James says, sounding nonchalant.

"Went to sleep early," Remus responds. He quietly puts his book back into his bag and looks in James' direction. He doesn't want to look at Sirius, can't face him.

Sirius nudges him in the shoulder and then again when Remus doesn't respond and once more until finally Remus looks at him. Sirius opens his mouth, obviously intending to say something but they're interrupted by the teacher. Remus grabs his bag and nearly runs towards the door. He glances back once, seeing how shocked his friends look and sits down next to Lily Evans, who normally works alone. She seems slightly reluctant to have a partner but she lets him sit anyway.

Remus ignores the three notes that Sirius throws at him. He doesn't look towards them. All he can think about is his lesson. The only words that run through his mind are about what a monster that he is. It hurts. It hurts knowing that he hurt his friends. All he can feel is hurt and he wishes with all of his might that he had never come to Hogwarts.

Remus is surprised by how easy his friends are to avoid and after a few weeks they stop making the effort to try to corner him into talking to them. Remus is betrayed and he cries that night after he puts up the spells so that nobody can hear him. He knows that this is his own doing, he knows that he's a monster and he knows that he pushed his friends away. He knows that he couldn't expect them to keep trying forever but he wishes that they would. He just wants to hear Sirius find him in the library and tell him it wasn't his fault again.

As he cries, he wishes that he had asked Sirius to sit down, to discuss it. But his pride is strong and his resolve not to hurt them or anybody else is stronger. He keeps to himself, his head down. The next full moon is a nightmare and he doesn't go to class for two days afterwards. He tears himself bloody and Madam Pomfrey takes a long time to heal everything he has done to himself. She points out a new scar that he will have and he tries to pretend that the new scar is why he cries that night.

Part of what hurts so much is how often he sees his former friends. They share all the same classes, are often in the great hall or the common room together. They share the bathroom and the dormitories. Since they're making no effort to try to talk to him anymore, he stops actively avoiding them. That decision only lasts a day until he decides to avoid them again. It hurts less that way. He's thankful when he gets to go home for Christmas break and, for the first time, he contemplates not coming back. He's a coward though, and he loves Hogwarts too much. He has to come back.

Two months and three days after the full moon, Remus notices how pale Sirius is getting. He's concerned and wonders about him, wonders if he's sick or if something is wrong with the family but he knows that it's none of his business. He pushed them away and he knows that he has to live with the consequences. He counts the days since the full moon, wishing that he could take that night back.

It's exactly three months after the full moon that Remus is called into Professor Dumbledore's office. He's in the Great Hall when a Ravenclaw comes up to him and tells him that Dumbledore wants to see him. Remus looks around, wondering what trouble could be happening now. His first thought is that James, Sirius and Peter have caused something that could get them into detention. His next thought, a thought that makes his heart pound, is that Dumbledore found out about him attacking Sirius.

He thanks the Ravenclaw and takes one last bite, standing up and grabbing his things. His feet feel heavy. Is Professor Dumbledore going to expel him? Did Sirius tell him? He hopes that Sirius didn't tell him. He doesn't know what he would do if Sirius did. The gargoyles pop open as soon as he reaches them and he walks up the spiral staircase. His heart is pounding and it feels like his breathing stops as he reaches Dumbledore's office and sees Sirius and Madam Pomfrey there. Sirius is so pale that he looks like he's going to fall at any moment.

"Glad you could join us, Remus. I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner," Dumbledore says and Remus doesn't think that sounds like a man who's about to expel him. Dumbledore conjures up three chairs and goes to sit behind his desk. Remus, Sirius and Madam Pomfrey all sit and Dumbledore looks between the two students. "Now. Sirius. I'd like to hear the whole story."

Remus feels like he's going to cry, feels betrayal pierce his heart. Sirius had told. But why? Why now? Sirius darts what looks like a worried look in Remus' direction and he feels his heart clench. "Me and Remus, um… slept together three months ago." Remus looks at him, confused as the words go through his mind. Slept together? That made it sound consensual. "And…" Sirius looks around wildly, takes another deep breath. "I think that I'm pregnant."

Remus can't breathe. He feels like he's going to black out and he looks down at the ground. Pregnant? That isn't possible. Men can't get pregnant, not even in the magical world. What is going on? Dumbledore just nods. "Madam Pomfrey?"

"He should be taken to the hospital to be sure but from what I could tell, he is indeed pregnant, Professor," Madam Pomfrey says.

"Thank you, Poppy," Dumbledore says quietly, taking a deep breath. He presses his fingers together under his chin as he looks between the boys some more. Remus shifts in his seat, closing his eyes tightly. His fingers are gripping the arm of the chair and his breaths are shaky. "We'll call you if we need you again. For now, I think I'll prepare Sirius to head to St. Mungo's."

Madam Pomfrey nods and leaves, closing the door with a click behind her. Remus finally turns to look at Sirius and he's unsurprised to see Sirius staring at him. The paleness makes sense suddenly and he feels a surprising urge to hold Sirius, to pull him close and make sure that he's alright. He can see the Sirius is shaking. "Professor," Sirius says, looking away from Remus. "I don't understand how this is possible."

Dumbledore nods but doesn't say anything. It seems that his thoughts are elsewhere and Remus frowns. "Professor, we have to figure something out. The fact that he's… he's pregnant."

"Well it seems that I haven't gotten the full story," Dumbledore says, looking at them both. Neither of them are in a hurry to answer but Dumbledore doesn't seem concerned. He just takes another deep breath and finally looks away from them. "This isn't something that I believe should be solved at St. Mungo's. They aren't any more equipped to treat you. You will, of course, need to go and we'll have to notify your parents."

"Not my parents, Professor," Sirius whines and Remus has to hide a smile. Some things will never change, he knows. "They're going to disown me. Not that I'm extremely adverse to the idea but…"

"I'd like to know the full truth. Now is the time to give it to me so that I can do what I can for you both." Dumbledore's tone is different than the last time and he stands up, going over to stand next to his Phoenix's perch. "You both understand?"

Remus and Sirius look at each other instinctively and Remus looks away but Sirius keeps staring. Remus can feel his eyes on him. He appreciates Sirius trying to protect him but Dumbledore should know. He should know that Remus is a monster, even if Remus is expelled for it. He takes a breath, about to open his mouth but Sirius beats him to it. "It was my idea, Professor. I… wanted to feel what it was like. I transfigured myself…" Sirius hesitates, his cheeks going pink. Remus isn't sure he's ever seen Sirius embarrassed before. His next words come out in a rush. "I transfigured myself into a dog and we had sex while he was a werewolf."

"I see," Dumbledore murmurs, sliding his finger down the bird's feathers, studying the bird. Remus is uncomfortable. He wants to talk to Sirius, he wants to ask Sirius how he is. He's trying not to think about the fact that Sirius is pregnant but it's hard to push it away. Sirius is pregnant with his baby. There are so many variables to consider and Remus feels his head start to spin. "Tomorrow you two will be excused from classes and will head to St. Mungo's with me. We will try to explain to the healers. Please meet me in the front hall immediately after breakfast."

Both boys stand up, recognizing the dismissal, and head down the staircases. They don't speak and Remus can tell that Sirius doesn't know what to say any more than he does. He has so many questions that he wants to ask, things that he wants to say, apologies he wants to make but none of them come out. They walk silently next to each other and Sirius says the password once they reach the portrait. They both climb in and Sirius rolls his eyes when Remus starts to head towards the staircase. "Still not talking to me I see."

Remus hesitates a moment, turning back towards Sirius but Sirius is already heading over to tell James and Peter the news. Remus continues towards the dormitories.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Remus and Sirius meet at the door, both showing up early. Remus studies Sirius as Sirius studies the wall. "Ready to go?" Dumbledore asks and both of them nod. None of them say anything as they walk to the gate and Remus hates the silence. It had only been three months and two days ago that they had been best friends. Remus hates himself for counting the days.

Once they've walked through the gates, Dumbledore holds out his arms and Remus and Sirius both lay a hand on his arm. They're used to Apparating and Remus only stumbles a little when they appear in St. Mungo's lobby. "Come along," Dumbledore says and they follow him, past the check-in desk. "They're expecting us on the fourth floor."

The stairs seemed to take forever to climb and Remus wonders if somebody can suffocate from the silence. He has a feeling the answer is no but it doesn't make him feel any better. He wants to reach out. He wants to grab Sirius' hand, hold onto his wrist, anything to know that he can touch Sirius but he doesn't. It looks like Sirius' skin is going to shatter if he touches him, or perhaps rip. He's so pale and now that he can study him, Remus notices that he's gotten thinner. He doesn't look well.

"Aw, Albus, I'm glad that we could fit you in on such short notice. You two must be Remus Lupin and Sirius Black." A woman approaches them, quickly shaking Dumbledore's hand and then looking at the two boys. "Albus, you have the forms that I needed."

Dumbledore nods and hands her two brightly colored pieces of paper. He turns to the boys and Remus knows whatever he's about to say isn't going to be good for them. "I've informed your parents. They both needed to give permission so that you could be treated. They'll both be joining us at Hogwarts after this visit for the news."

"I'm Cassandra Peakes," the Healer introduces herself, starting down the hallway. "Come with me. We have a room all set up for you. Which one of you is Sirius and which one is Remus?"

"I'm Sirius," Sirius says and Remus looks down. Normally Sirius would be cracking jokes but he seems so withdrawn right now. It hurts Remus to think about the fact that he did this. It's all his fault that this is the way that things are. He feels tears fill his eyes and he scolds himself inwardly. He doesn't let himself cry anymore.

Cassandra nods and leads them into the room. Dumbledore is immediately drawn to a chart on the wall, Sirius sits up on the bed and Remus sits down on one of the chairs. "Alright, so Sirius, tell me how you've been feeling," Cassandra says, setting a quill on paper.

The quill starts writing by itself as Sirius speaks. "I haven't been feeling well for a few weeks. I've been sick. My stomach has felt like it's got something… expanding in it. It hurts."

"Well, Sirius, your body isn't designed to nurture a baby," Cassandra says and Remus twitches in the chair. "We'll run some tests but from what I've heard, whatever spell you cast to turn yourself into a dog made it possible for you to get pregnant. Now that your body is human again, it's going to have a hard time adjusting to that. We'll have to figure out a way to get you comfortable. Have you considered the possibilities of what you'll do with the baby?"

Sirius looks over at Remus as Cassandra looks at the notes that the quill made. "I don't know. Can I even carry a baby?"

"We shall see. We might need to remove it if you can't," Cassandra says, her voice gentle. Dumbledore finishes looking at the chart and comes to sit next to Remus, straightening his robes over his knees. "If that's not what you want then it will be worst case scenario but you have to realize that it just might not be possible for you to carry it."

"I understand," Sirius says, his voice shaking slightly. Remus realizes that Sirius is scared and he looks at him with a frown. It's the first time in a long time that Remus has seen Sirius afraid. He doesn't like having to see it. Sirius looks over at Remus and then back at the nurse a few times. "Can my parents force me to get rid of it?"

Cassandra looks over at him as she grabs a few instruments that Remus had never seen before. They look scary and he wants to grab Sirius and pull him away from them. "They might. We can talk to them if you'd like. Now, this is going to test your heart rate. We're also going to try to see the baby inside of you. See if you really are pregnant so we know we're not fussing for anything."

Sirius seems to have the same thoughts about the machines as Remus did and his voice is nearly silent as he looks at Remus. "Least you could do is hold my hand."

Taking a deep breath, Remus nods, going over and sliding his fingers through Sirius'. Dumbledore steeples his fingers as he watches the boys and Cassandra. Cassandra has Sirius pull up his shirt and puts a metal pad over his stomach. She pulls out her wand and the pad starts vibrating. Remus squeezes Sirius' hand, looking down at him and the tears come to his eyes without his being able to prevent them. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

"For?" Sirius closes his eyes, not looking at Remus or the pad, biting his lip hard. Remus wants to tell him to stop, that he'll chap his lip but he forces himself not to. He's changed things. He is the one who can't joke with them, who can't be their best friend anymore.

"For this- Getting you pregnant. I'm sorry. This never should've happened," Remus whispers, looking down at the pad as a piece of parchment floats up and Cassandra grabs it and looks it over.

More parchment comes out of it as Sirius cracks an eye open to look at him. "It wasn't your fault. You weren't yourself at the time," he says, frowning as the pad abruptly stops vibrating and he looks up at Cassandra. His heart is pounding in his throat and he wonders if it's possible to pass out from nerves.

Cassandra looks at the paper, going over to show it to Dumbledore before turning back to the boys. Remus squeezes Sirius' hand, not sure what he wants to look at. Looking at Sirius hurts and Cassandra scares him. He chooses a nice spot on the floor and stares at it. "Sirius, you are pregnant."

The whole world seems to fade away as Remus' eyes slide up to lock with Sirius'. He can barely breathe, barely swallow and he wonders if the world has suddenly stopped spinning. That's what it feels like. "Oh," Sirius breathes, closing his eyes and Remus looks away abruptly. He pulls his hand away, standing up and shoving past Cassandra as he runs into the hall. He doesn't know where he's going. He doesn't think about the fact that he has to go back to school or that he should be there to support Sirius. It just hurts and so he runs.

He makes his way to the first floor before he stops. A Healer stops him, asks him who he is. Once Remus says his name, the Healer seems to recognize him and he nods. "Come with me," he says and leads Remus into a room where Remus sits. It looks like a waiting room and Remus puts his head between his knees, focusing on keeping his breathing even. It's not easy.

"Are you alright?" Remus looks up, surprised to see Dumbledore standing in the doorway. He shakes his head, sitting back and pulling his knees up to his chest, resting his forehead against his knees. "Is there something that you would like to talk about?"

Remus wants to spill everything. He wants to tell about how they're Animagi and he feels so guilty and he just wants to go back in time right now and never come to Hogwarts but he can't. He can't get them in trouble and he just hopes that they can figure out what to do with Sirius' health without knowing that he's an Animagus. "I don't want Sirius to have to go through this. He doesn't deserve it."

"You can't dwell on the past. All you can do is move forward into the future," Dumbledore responds. Remus looks up but Dumbledore isn't looking at him and so he wipes his eyes, closing his eyes tightly for a moment.

He knows that the words are true but it's not as easy as it sounds. He doesn't answer, just stands up when Dumbledore does and follows him back to Sirius' room. Sirius doesn't say a word when they get back, just stares curiously at Remus. When Sirius reaches out to put his hand in Remus', Remus tangles their fingers together as they Apparate back to Hogwarts to talk to their parents.

It seems to be unspoken that Remus is back in their group. He doesn't really say anything about it and neither do the other three. Sirius still hasn't talked to Remus again, having retired straight to their dorms when they got back. James and Peter have pressed Remus for information but Remus just tells them that they have to talk to Sirius about it, that he won't give away all the secrets. He tries to make it a joke but it certainly doesn't feel like a joke to him and he settles in with homework.

They don't talk until the next day. When they go up for bed, Sirius has his curtains drawn and none of them bother him. Remus wants to. He wants to apologize, to tell Sirius how badly that he feels. He knows that Sirius needs some time alone, time to process, though, so he lets him have that time. The next morning, Sirius is already down to breakfast when they get up and Remus nearly trips down the stairs trying to get down there to see him.

He's pleasantly surprised by the fact that Sirius looks just fine. He's joking and laughing. James and Peter sit down on either side of him and Remus sits across from him, smiling at him when Sirius kicks his shin. "How'd you sleep?" James asks Sirius, nudging his shoulder.

"You know I can't sleep with how loudly you snore, Prongs," Sirius responds, his smirk evident as he spreads some jam on a slice of toast.

They dissolve into small talk, nothing of real importance and Remus closes his eyes for a moment, cherishing hearing about it. He had known that he missed his best friends but he hadn't let himself think about how much. Now he knows that there's no place he'd rather be than with them. Even just listening to James' latest failed attempt at wooing Lily Evans makes his morning.

Remus wants desperately to talk to Sirius about the baby but there never seems to be any time. He wonders what the nurse had told Sirius after he had left the room and he wishes that he had stayed. It's too late though and it's nearly a week later before he finds himself alone with Sirius. They're sitting in the common room, feet up on the table as they lounge on the couch. James is at Quidditch practice and Peter had gone with him to watch the team. Remus wonders if Sirius has been avoiding him for the past week when he realizes that it's the first time they've been alone together. He feels his heart hurt at the thought.

"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asks him suddenly, putting the book that he had been reading for Defense Against the Dark Arts down and nudging Remus' ankle with his toe.

Remus hesitates for a moment, wondering whether it would be inappropriate to talk about what he wants to talk about. He has to get this out of the way though. He can't stand not knowing. He can't stand the constant doubt and the insecurity that came along with it. He looks around, making sure that nobody is within earshot, seeing just a few first years playing chess around the fire. "I was thinking about… well… us, to be honest."

"Aw, Moony, that's so romantic," Sirius says but Remus can hear the anxiety in his voice. He can hear that Sirius is just as uncomfortable as he is and it makes him feel better in an odd way. Sirius can only hold the silly expression for a moment before he sighs. "I know you've been thinking about it a lot. You're a worrier. I'd prefer not to think about it."

Remus laughs, wishing that he could be the type that just prefers not to think about it. "Well, yes. I am a worrier but this is something that anybody would worry about. You… You're carrying my baby. I just… this is important. Do James and Peter know?"

Sirius shrugs, not looking at Remus and Remus wishes that he could take this all away. He's 15 years, they both are, and neither one of them deserves something like this. "Yeah, they know. I told them. They knew before you did. They forced me to tell Professor Dumbledore."

"Why didn't you tell me before that?"

Before Sirius can even answer, Remus knows it. It doesn't stop the sting from Sirius' words. "You weren't talking to me. How was I supposed to tell you? I wasn't even sure I wanted you to know."

Remus sighs, looking over at Sirius and Sirius nudges his ankle again. Remus feels the scratchiness of his socks, red and gold, knit by Sirius the Muggle way specifically to annoy his parents. "What did the nurse tell you while I was gone?"

"Where'd you go?" Sirius counters Remus' question with his own and Remus looks up, slightly surprised. He had thought that it was obvious.

"I just… I felt guilty. I went to the waiting room and had to just sit for a moment."

Sirius looks almost… relieved by Remus' answer and Remus wonders what Sirius had originally thought. He's not sure that he wants to know, thinking that he'd feel even guiltier. "Oh. The nurse just told me a few things about the pregnancy. It's going to be interesting to see how it progresses and where the baby will be growing inside me. Kind of gross if you ask me. And before Professor Dumbledore left, we scheduled another appointment. It's day after tomorrow."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Remus asks, frowning. He had thought that they were close again, that they were going to be best friends.

Seeming to read Remus' thoughts, Sirius rolls his eyes. He slings an arm around Remus' shoulder, pressing close to him. The gesture is teasing but the feeling of Sirius' warm body makes Remus' breath hitch in an odd way. "I told you. I don't want to worry about it. I'm taking it each day as it comes."

Each day seems to come faster and faster. Professor Dumbledore escorts them to St. Mungo's for their visits. There are two senior Healers there as they try to figure out what's going on with Sirius' body. Sirius won't admit how scared he is, just holds tight to Remus' hand and after the appointments, they meet James and Peter in the common room and tell all about the pregnancy.

With each visit, Remus gets more and more worried. The baby has no room in Sirius' rapidly growing stomach. It's kicking at his organs and even the precautions that the Healers put under his skin aren't helping. Sirius starts losing weight, becoming thinner and paler. He is still in a good mood, day in and day out. They all throw snow balls at unsuspecting students on a random February day. Remus insists on being alone for the full moon each month. He doesn't want anything else to happen.

Sirius' stomach gets bigger and Remus can't help himself but touch it, often. Sirius makes fun of him, as do the other boys although they're just as fascinated by it. Remus' fascination is different. Every day, they count how far along that Sirius is. About halfway through March, they're at five months. It's another night where James and Peter went to Quidditch practice and Remus and Sirius sit in the common room. They're nearly alone and they've discussed it with Professor Dumbledore that they won't be able to keep silent forever. Soon, Sirius will have to be put on leave.

Their parents have kept mostly silent on the subject, saying that they'll support the boys through the pregnancy, but Remus worries what will happen when Sirius is forced to stay with his parents. "The baby's been moving more lately," Sirius murmurs, watching as Remus lifts up his shirt. Remus feels guilty sometimes, wondering if he's doing too much, if he's not respecting Sirius' personal space but he can't help himself.

"It's weird," Remus says, leaning in to poke Sirius' stomach. He has touched Sirius in so many ways, ways more intimate than he knew was possible, and he doesn't see himself stopping. Sirius lets him every time, lets him slide his hand down until Sirius' pants are rolled down as far as they can go without something inappropriate happening. He lets Remus touch all over his stomach, touch in every way. Remus has pressed his ear to his stomach, his lips, has spoken to his skin. "There's a baby in there."

"Mm, yes. And there has been for quite a while now." Sirius leans back, closing his eyes as he tilts his head back against the couch. Remus has a sudden thought of years from now, Sirius leaning back after a long day of work. Remus pictures himself at his side, their daughter around perhaps. They don't know what the gender will be but they both think that it's a girl. He shakes himself at the picture, knowing it's not appropriate.

At the beginning of the year, when they had first come back, Remus had caught himself picturing it a lot. He had had a crush once, in grade school. They had been 7 years old and she had had the cutest pigtails he had ever seen. It had never really been anything. He had pulled her pigtails a few times to get her attention before she had told the teacher and he had stopped. The way he feels about Sirius is different, though. It is part of what had made the situation so horrible.

Hurting the boy that he cares about so much is tragic to him. "I know," Remus whispers. Sirius' skin is so soft from the lotion that he uses twice a day on his skin, vain even while going through a crisis at such a young age.

Sirius looks up at him and Remus catches his breath because in that second, he sees so much in Sirius' eyes. Sirius has been hiding so much from him lately but Sirius looks up at him and he feels like he can look right into Sirius' soul. He doesn't mean to but he can't resist himself as he leans forward to press his lips to Sirius. It's an awkward moment. Sirius' eyes are wide open, his body stiff. Remus only kisses him for a moment before pulling away. He looks scared and he gets ready to bolt, to run upstairs and never leave his bed but Sirius grips one of his arms. "Whoa, you're not leaving again."

"Let me go," Remus whispers but he doesn't want Sirius to. He wants Sirius to hold onto him forever, to tell him that it was all okay. Sirius had always been the one who told him that it was okay.

Sirius shakes his head, looking up at him, his eyes carefully guarded again and Remus again gets the urge to run. "Why'd you do that?"

Scoffing, Remus pulls his arm out of Sirius' grip. "What the hell kind of question is that?" he snaps, looking at Sirius. His tone softens as he sighs, sitting back on the couch, curling up on himself. "I'm sorry. I've just… been thinking since before we even… since September."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius asks and Remus wonders if Sirius can do anything but ask questions. He's tired of questions right now. Remus shakes his head, determined not to answer and Sirius leans forward, grabbing his chin, forcing him to look at him. "Remus, why now?"

"I don't know. You just…" Remus looks at Sirius, wondering if he's going to be able to say what he really wants. He wants to be honest with Sirius. He wants to be able to share everything but it's so hard. Even though they're his best friends, he still has problems thinking that they'll accept him. "You looked at me the way you sometimes do. You looked at me honestly."

Sirius' lips curl up slowly, into a smirk and Remus closes his eyes, grinning back and bracing himself for a witty remark. He's not disappointed. "I am disappointed. I thought it was because of my devastatingly good looks, my charming wit and my-"

Remus laughs, covering Sirius' mouth teasingly, looking at him. "I get it, you idiot," he says, his voice oddly affectionate. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest as he looks at Sirius, wondering just what Sirius means by his smirk, by the fact that he pulled Remus back.

"Your lips are kinda cute. I might have wanted to kiss you for a while," Sirius responds and Remus isn't sure whether he heard the words right at first. It's crazy to think about Sirius wanting to kiss him. It's not about Sirius being Sirius, the one who is always off kissing different girls, but it's that anybody thinks about kissing him. It's that his best friend, who he had been mooning over for a while, had been thinking about him as well.

They're interrupted by a wet and still somewhat muddy despite having showered James followed by a just wet Peter. They both flop onto the couch and Peter goes into a dramatic reenactment of James' performance at Quidditch practice. Remus sits with his thighs touching Sirius, feeling his warm skin through their thin pajamas and James looks at them, interrupting Peter mid-sentence. "Did I miss something?"

"Nah," Sirius says, slinging an arm over Remus' shoulder. Remus smiles over at him, a blush sliding up his cheeks. Sirius puffs out his chest, the effect lost considering the bump in his stomach and Peter asks if he can finish. Raising an eyebrow at them, James gestures for him to continue.


End file.
